Sunday, June 29, 2025

Awana get outta this club

  June 26, 2025


Last post I talked about my first experiences with The Church. As an adult I had a very long period of trying to find a faith. I think I have been involved, at least for a short while, almost every world religion except Islam. I probably didn't end up in a hijab simply because there was no mosque near anywhere I lived in my 20's or 30's. I did try to Sufi spin once and ended up banging my head on the sofa arm as I fell over. 

In middle school I got talked into going to an Awana meeting at the brand new Baptist church outside town. WE HAVE SNACK TIME! Awanas did not last long, they didn't like me because I swore like a sailor. "Do you eat with that mouth" they said, and then got proof that I did as I single handedly consumed a large part of the snack table.  

I was fine with the sermon, okay with the big empty cross up front, and liked their stained glass which was just bright beautiful colors instead of pictures. The snacks were good, music unremarkable, nope this was all okay, until they broke us off into small groups for "handbook time". Ooooh I was excited, books! I love books as you know and that we might be reading something made me happy as a puppy with two peters. 

 So they whipped out the papers, there weren't really any stories, just like rules and stuff. I was irritated but willing to hold on for a possible story... Until they had me read something with an acrostic for Jesus on it. We were supposed to use "Jesus" as mnemonic device to remember pieces of scripture. And I was okay with that until we came to U which said "...We are all as an UNCLEAN thing, and all our righteousness are as filthy rags;" Isaiah 64:6. 

I vehemently and loudly objected to this statement. I was already well versed in similes and understood they were talking about my soul. The Awana leader further pissed me off by explaining to me it was my SOUL that was a dirty filthy bit of excrement because I wasn't saved. That pissed me right off. I was in 8th grade! I hadn't even BEGUN to sully my soul yet. See me after college lady. I might have spoken like a truck driver, but I was a good kid really.  So I told her she was out of her "Goddamn mind" and this was "fucking stupid". And I "sure as hell" was not going to admit to having a dirty soul.

Phone calls ensued, I remember it being quite chilly alone in the parking lot waiting for my Dad to come pick me up. I also remember my Dad chuckling jubilantly when I recounted why I'd gotten the boot.  He agreed with me entirely, Mom was upset because I used awful language, but not because of the stand I took. So that was it for me with the Baptist for another 20+ years. 




Wednesday, June 25, 2025

Aspiring Roman Catholic

 June 25, 2025


I have been interested in the Catholic Church since about 6th grade. Growing up my parents were atheists, or maybe agnostic, I'm still not sure, all I knew was I got to sleep in on Sundays. My grandfather did drag me off to an Easter service at a community church in his town once or twice. The carpet was red and there were a lot of very interesting hats was my take-away from that experience...oh and my shoes hurt. (They always did as a kid because there were no double wide children's shoes at that time.)  Anyway I digress. My father was not really raised with solid church attendance from what I've been able to garner, but my Mother was forced into a particularly dour, humorless synod of Methodists for the majority of her pre college life. My Aunt converted to Catholicism so that she could marry. I am sure that her parents referred to this as a mixed marriage and were highly skeptical of the union for this reason alone. (There were many other reasons my Aunt should of, and eventually did leave the marriage.) 

I was not raised with any religion, but I was in the Girl Scouts. If you've ever been a Brownie or Girl Scout, it is a guarantee that you have seen every single church basement in your hometown. Girl Scouts never have meeting spaces, and most churches are willing to lend or lease the space very cheaply. Brownies met in the Community church basement, I took ballet class there, my mother took Yoga classes there too, and I'm sure if I still lived in that town I would have ended up attending other meetings there. Ones that started with "Hello my name is Christine and I'm an alcoholic." Later when the scouting group got a little smaller we met at the Lutheran church, the one with the guitar music and the bearded pastor. That didn't last for very long as very few sensible adult women choose to be surrounded by preteen squealing girls and we had a couple of years with out a scout leader.

And of course as time went by, less and less kids were interested in being Girl Scouts, but Margie and I were. I think there were about 5 or 6 girls in scouts at that time and we started meeting at St. Joseph's, the Catholic church. I remember that first time in a Catholic church vividly.  It was a tall rectangular brick federalist building with a steeple that contained a horn speaker, out of which came canned bell music every day and sounded like a posh door bell chime. Although the building wasn't a grand cathedral, it certainly felt that way to me.  You walked in and wow, unlike the mid-mod Lutheran or the Hodge podge of added spaces in the community church this church was a Church. It looked like it had been there for a very long while and was not going anywhere ever again. It was about the Power and the Glory AMEN! Walking in your eyes couldn't help but shoot right up, it was so TALL inside there, and I was gob-smacked. This church MEANT IT.  No they weren't going to muck about with groovy homilies comparing church families to the Brady Bunch or some other bullshit like the Methodists were up to. It had none of the "Hello neighbor, nice to meet ya, have you met our friend Jesus?" of the Community church either. This building was definitely saying "Psst, stand up straight" It was absolutely symmetrical, a straight aisle down the middle with pews on each side, books closed neatly, all the kneelers folded up. To the left of the alter a niche with a statue of the Virgin, to the right Joseph. And in the apse, nailed to the wall, under the architectural pediment and columns was the crucifix. I couldn't even look at Christ on it, the suffering was too terrible to look at.  I did indeed stand up straight. 

Margie went over to a shallow bowl of water on a column at the end of the aisle and dipping her fingers did something sign languagey. I followed her example... not that I had any idea why there was a bird bath inside a building or what the hell I was doing but I knew she came to this place every weekend. I figured she knew the lay of the land. "What are you DO-ing" she said to me. "I dunno." I whispered. "YOU'RE not Catholic" she said I don't think you can do that. "Why not?" I asked splashing a little water around with my fingers. She sighed that strangled sigh she did when she was irritated with me for asking a question she didn't know the answer to. Which I must admit was fairly often, not that Margie wasn't whip smart, only that what other kid gets asked "Have you ever thought about squirrels having assholes? No one ever talks about squirrel shit only bird shit. Why is that?" She put her little hands on her little nascent hips and was probably going to launch into something she heard in Catechism class or something, but was saved by the voice of our scout leader gathering us together and marching us to some place in the building far less holy. 

I don't think we went there many times. I do remember I had my "flying up" ceremony there. Although I think it was in some other place in the church. (It, like every Catholic church ever, had a mass of attached buildings.) I was happy to become a Girl Scout Cadet, but directly after the ceremony realized there was no one who was going to be the leader for that. So a whole ceremony for nothing. I mean I even worn my nicest underwear, the ones for Tuesday, which were blue, and still had some elastic left in them, even though it was probably a Saturday. And I think that I only went to St. Joseph's one more time in high school for some sort of "Bless the Senior Class and pray that none of them die in a car crash on graduation night" type of thing... I think they called it a Benediction or some such sort of thing. All I know is that sensation of gravitas stayed with me. 



5 freakin am

 June 24, 2025

One of the bizarre things that sometimes occurs during Summer break just happened. Monica gets up for work somewhere between 4:30 and 5:15 most days. She doesn't set an alarm usually it just happens for her. Jesus, what that must be like!  I however am on hyper summer manic brain mode and because of this have just spent the past 6 hours alternating between staring at the ceiling, forcing my eyes to stay closed, and saying fuck it getting up and scrolling,  then saying fuck again, laying down and repeating the whole process until either something sticks, my body collapses or I just get up for realsies. Now here at 5 A.m. am fully awake to wander aimlessly around the kitchen and get it Monica's way while she tries to stumble to a cup of coffee. I did however get the advantage of making us a nice bacon and egg breakfast, which is something I haven't done in many months. The dogs were in complete leaping doggie bliss to have TWO   WHOLE HUMANS to beg from. It was a festival of sad eye and meefy whines I'll tell you. Plates were licked, tails were wagged, they must think it's some sort of holiday. 

I wouldn't mind this insomnia except it interferes with interacting with other non-moon howling humans. And because I rather like my human companions sans lycanthropy, generally speaking, this is annoying. This reverse circadian rhythm  will be take me days of falling asleep mid activity, or suddenly in public, or far worse losing the ability to speak coherently, making me as interesting a lunch companion as the average vole. (adorable little creatures it's true but neither of us will be good to have at a garden party.)   Eventually to save social face I will be drugging myself with tylenol pm and forcing myself to get up to an alarm clock several days in a row to get the schedule whacked back into shape. Only to have it go back pear shaped in probably less than 3 days. 

I've really never been a good day person. All through my 20's and well a huge chunk of my 30's...some of my 40's and every single vacation day of my 50's, I have veered toward the nocturnal. For many many years I only took night jobs and afternoon classes if at all possible. Because I knew I was like this. It amazes Monica who is although not actually awake in the morning, at least is mostly ambulatory after her first cuppa. And she manages to sleep  AT NIGHT?!? How does she do that? It's crazy. We can get up at the same time in the morning, but I will invariably be awake far later than she. She also is the kind of horrible human who puts her head down on a pillow and FALLS ASLEEP. And I don't mean after an hour or two, I mean pretty close to within 10 minutes. It makes me want to sneak in there and suffocate her with the extra pillow. The only thing that prevents me from this is knowing that at 3 am she will have to get up to pee and then is likely to struggle a bit to get back to sleep. 

Well anyway here I am, at now 6 a.m. still awake, and now irritated. Maybe I should plan something important for later today so I can fall asleep in the middle of it.




Sunday, June 22, 2025

Bad Books: Again Imho

 June 22, 2025 (part 2)

Now that I've defined for myself what makes a good book here goes the flip side of that coin. 

What makes a bad book:

Takes itself to seriously, preaches.

Author's own shit shows up in the character in inappropriate ways

Endless food and clothing descriptions- why the fuck do I care about food I can't eat, and the color of Reginald's broad cloth shirt...unless it's red and he's standing in front of a bull.

Minute detail that distracts instead of adds

Trite, predictable, overworn, plots and character troupes

Funny for the sake of being clever, I want the humor to be organic not made for the sole sake of amusement... ie the time machine does not need to be shaped like a tea pot Jodi Taylor.

Gray characters. I like them to have depth, but I need to know who they are and what they are up to.

Long periods of isolation and sadness for the m.c.

Monologues of philosophy and theory. You tend to see this in books that are trying to use fiction to convince you...(See 1984)

Magic systems without clear and applied rules

Worlds that are too alien. including aliens of the extraterrestrial sort.

100% realism, blech.

Sex scenes. Really, if I want smut, this thing here gets Pornhub

Hubris in the main character. Hate a unrelenting know it all. (other than myself, who I'm kind of fond of.)

Romance central to the text esp. when it's the "they hate each other, he's a dick but she's attracted to him" bullshit. No wonder women pick asshole men. 



Good books- entirely imho

 June 22, 2025

I am prepping myself for a major writing project and have been reading quite a bit about writing. One of the questions that I was asked...(No Plot, no problem by Chris Baty) was what makes a good novel. I thought "this is a simple question". I mean I read a fair deal, I know what I like...now, two days later I'm still not sure what the answers are, except that they seem to be entirely objective, and slippery as cow flops after a solid rain. Anyway here is my list.

Things that make a good novel:

A likeable main character

A sidekick or partner

Fantasy

Magic or Supernatural Elements

Loosely based on a historical time period

Physical adventure, not just mental olympics

Good -vs- Evil

Embodied villain (not just an institution or group of ick.)

Characters who try to have character.

Characters with multiple motivations

Word Play, and wit

Situational appropriate humor

Clearly explained new inventions, places etc.

Smart female characters

Appropriate for teens and adults


 



Friday, June 20, 2025

Smiling faces

 June 20, 2025


Back in the days when I was driving my Reliant K car with its AM only radio, I used to hear this song pretty frequently on the oldies station.

"Smiling Faces Sometimes" by the Undisputed Truth.

Smiling faces sometimes

Pretend to be your friend

Smiling faces show no traces

Of the evil that lurks within (can you dig it?)

Smiling faces, smiling faces, sometimes

They don't tell the truth

Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof

Oh, oh, yeah ....


I didn't care for the lyrics at the time because they went against what was at that time my youthful belief that people are all trustworthy and good and to be distrustful of others was a character flaw of some sort. Couldn't deny the jam of the song though, great song. now as an adult I think differently about this song. 

I still, despite 45 years of experience to the contrary, do not carry that level of mistrust.  I very seldom see a person smile at me and think anything but another smile is behind it. (And this my friends is I am sure an example of white privilege I've never much contemplated.)To me this song will always remain linked to 70's ideas of Black Power. It makes me think of the way that people of color are necessarily living in a state of hyper vigilance here in the US. At any moment that face that smiles at them could indeed hold them back, or  assault, detain, arrest them or shoot them for birdwatching in the park. This level of distrust in others, particularly white people is entirely needed if you wish to stay safe and unharmed. We are the most dangerous animal indeed.

And thinking about this song the other day I realized I do something entirely unconsciously. I smile at black women. All the time, walking through the mall, passing by them on the street, in hallways, elevators, and restaurants. I always smile at black women. (I don't smile at black men as frequently, but that is a gender thing. I really only smile at old men regardless of color.) Invariably they smile back. These are the two things I question now that I have realized it. 

1. What is the perception of the woman I am smiling at?

 Does she subconsciously tip a smile back at me also without thinking because that is what one does. Does she smile back because she has been conditioned not to piss off the Karens of the world? Does she think "why is this weirdo stranger smiling at me", or does she think, "I wonder what she wants." Does this smile register as something less than friendly? I wonder.

2. Why the hell do I always grin at black women?

As I say the gesture has been heretofore completely unconscious.  Hell me noticing I do it took 57 years so how do I answer the question why? I think it is because I have seen so goddamn many aggressions and micro aggressions perpetrated against people of color that some part of me wants to A. Signal I'm going to try to be a decent human despite being raised white, so please don't fret. B. Show kindness to a woman that I know has faced unkindness. Because I don't think you can be a p.o.c. in America without having faced nasty White Perpetrated Shit-nanegans. 

And so I wonder, am I being essentialist, making assumptions. Is it paternalistic that I have this automatic smile? Is the fact that I clock black women as BLACK women instead of just a woman some kind of racism? 

I don't have any answers for any of these questions. I really don't. But I am going to continue smiling at black women when I meet their eyes. Why because the world needs more smiles? Regardless of why they are happening. We all live in a world that is too unkind, so I'm going keep smiling.


Thursday, June 19, 2025

Juneteenth and Texas, and more about Texas.

 June 19, 2025

Today is Juneteenth, a federal holiday. Thanks Joe Biden, and every other sensible person who pushed for it. Now if we could just change Columbus day officially to Indigenous Peoples' Day, I would be even more pleased. I don't see the Great Tang Man of Doom moving in that direction however. 

There is one thing that bothers me though about Juneteenth. Well perhaps a few things. One thing is that we are celebrating the day, 900 DAYS after the Emancipation Proclamation was actually signed, in which Texas enslaved people were actually freed. (And not all of 'em neither.) So typically Texan isn't it. To ignore law, civility, humanity and just do what they do until they get leaned on.  One of the bigliest reasons white man moved to Texas was to escape the Civil War and not have to give up their slaves. So I suppose it is no wonder that it continues to be a godforsaken crap field of stupidity, stubbornness and undeserved feelings of pride. Except Austin of course, and most people of color that live there still. (Blink once if you are feeling unsafe. Blink twice if you need to be rescued.)

Texans have a habit of saying "Everything is bigger in Texas" Size queens. The biggest preventable measles epidemic is not a point of pride people. I think they all still believe its the biggest state in Union. It was for about 113 years or so but, I'm quite sure that recent change is not taught, since no real history is taught in Texas, and that's coming from an Arizona teacher. They celebrate the Alamo, even though America got it's asses handed to them by Santa Ana. Davy Crockett should have stayed out of the Wild Frontier that day. They were the forefront of colonizing Mexican lands and in the Texas Revolution claimed it. They moved the borders over the Mexican people living there, applied for statehood and now, almost 200 years later are STILL trying to get rid of families who lived there before the Republic.

This is the kind of crazy, arrogant, stubborn and stupid kind of behavior that one has come to expect from Texas. But hey now, "Don't mess with Texas". This was a slogan meant to remind people not to just throw their McDonalds wrappers and beer cans out the car windows, but has in the mind of these pea-brained prairie people morphed into "don't fuck with us we're armed". Did you know there are more guns in Texas than there are people living there? 

Deep red Texas exemplifies to me all that is wrong with America, and I find it vaugely shocking that Trump didn't put Mar-a-Lago II there. Perhaps because a long treasured but lost legislation making it illegal as a denizen of the Northern East Coast to retire anywhere that isn't part of the Southern East Coast. Or perhaps it is his New York City mentality that make him feel superior, even to Texas. (I will save my screed on NYC for another edition,) 

There is another slogan for Texas I have heard recently: Texas, It's Like a Whole Other Country. And I think that is a super fantastic idea. There is even a groundswell of support from Texas to secede.  To quote the title of a popular self help book "Let Them." They were an independent republic before joining the U.S. Why not. Then we can add Puerto Rico as a state and not have to change the flag. Let's say "Ok, go ahead and 'Texit' but you have to take Trump with you. Donnie Dorko and Ted Cruz can have barbeques at his evil lair. That's it, that's the only concession I want take the Orange Threat with you and you can go. Enjoy your gasoline, we'll be over her with our solar and wind power. Have fun with your cowboy ways, we'll be driving our e-cars to museums to read about it. Just in case Donnie Dorko feels nostalgic for his old "friend" he can drive up to Boca Chica and piss on his rockets.... American could be so much better if these two evils combined into a more efficient tightly packed poop-sack of crazy. I think I have to log off here to go look up if I can join a Texas secessionist group from here in AZ. 

Wednesday, June 18, 2025

library Cryptids

 June 18, 2026  Prompt: Invent a supernatural/magical creature.

The Library Cryptids:

Any public or school library is liable to come down with a case of Library Cryptids. I had heard vague whisperings around the reference desk of such things. Creatures who lurked in the library but whose existence could not be proven. Creatures who change the daily lives of patrons, librarians and aides everywhere, but who seldom escape credulity. Like a dream that sits just outside of the edge of  sleeping they are there, Hanging out in the chaos of the Children's section by day, for who would believe a child that claims that the book nipped at her, or the bean bag chair smiled and winked when she passed. But at night all the things they get up to! 

There are many varieties of Library Cryptid, in fact probably too many to mention, and just like local cryptids "The Beast of Bloomfield" the "Terror of Tuberville" many have yet to be officially cataloged. Should you be ever blessed into the Sanctus Sanctorum of the Holy Guardians of The Books, behind the Circulation desk, you might find a small group of be-sweatered ladies off to one side trading hushed comments over sips from their oversized water bottles. The stories they will whisper about odd creakings in the stack at closing time, or arriving in the morning to find "anomalies" in the stacks, or flickering centipedes in the cataloging, a single large print novel lying prone on the floor of the reading room, spine cracked, will shake your faith what you perceive as the "known world". 

Let us begin now with our list of the most common of the Library Cryptids.

First there is the unpleasantness of the Shelf Shifter. 

The primary job of the shelf shifter is to move the library "stock". Now it can work subtly, for instance one day you can come in and all the R's are neatly arranged over five shelves with space for outwardly displayed covers, the next day they are all jammed vice- like onto two shelves and you might need a chisel to separate them. You simple came to quickly shelve a copy of Phillip Reeve's Mortal Engines but now you will need to retake by force what has now become the sloppy spaced "S"s to shelve this book. Sometimes the Shelf Shifter is more direct and decides to just drop a clip or two out of the bookcase so that when an unsuspecting elderly patron reaches for Thomas Newcastle's Treatise on Ptolemaic Mathematic. (Yes, I know your library doesn't have that one, whose would.) Yet when they reach for this book an avalanche of  Archimedes and Pythagoras fall upon them with the kind of force that can only be generated by such truly heavy material. A doctoral student discovers the splayed body of the septuagenarian crushed by the weight of knowledge. 

Then bane of the Cataloguer's existence: The Record Wrecker

The Record Wrecker is a newer hybrid of the ancient genus The Card Catalog Creep which has been mutated by the "this fxcking computer" virus. Moving away from it's original paper habitat, the Wrecker is now able to occupy digital space. In it's purest form it is the most elusive of creatures, appearing only before the weary eyes of the Library Cataloger, however it's ill effects can spread through out Circulation like a plague. It is a devourer of information, nibbling out little bites of biographical information, snacking on subfields, eating away identifying markers of all kinds and then leaving as its excrement jumbled call numbers, and incorrect subject headings. The Record Wrecker is the reason that when you enter the subject "vampires" into the patron catalog it spits out the resulting title "Life of a Soda Can". It is also the reason that a book of poetry from Byron ends up with a shelf label of 599.6 (The Dewey decimal number for Land Ungulates. I do not know what those are, but they are certainly not synonymous with "She walks in beauty".)

Generally many of the Library cryptids are able to live in some form of non-lethal, although annoying, symbiosis with it's host library, this next category however is not to be trifled with. I shudder even to name the individual creatures of the species, and so refer to them merely as "the Destroyers". Ranging in height from first shelf to uppermost case the Destroyers are capable of book murder most foul. 

Those in the Children's section are especially adapted to crayon and marker mayhem. They have one leg shorter that the other and walk with an uneven limp dragging their crayon/marker fingers in circles around the book. If resting on their haunches they might use these fingers to scribble bright red, blue and green across pages of text and illustration, or use the illustrations as a coloring book. Unfortunately, due to their limited control of small muscle movements are unable to stay in the lines. 

The next closely related subspecies exists mostly in the Non-Fiction section, there fingers are more developed and sophisticated, some with sharp appendages that spit ink, honed to underline passages and create non-helpful, annoying marginalia that distracts and confuses the patron. The worst however are those with the neon yellow excrement that shite in straight lines across paragraphs of non-essential information. There must be some sort of relationship between these two subspecies as they often work in concert with one another to make an entire tome unreadable. 

And then there is the Rippers *shudder*. Rippers seem to hatch and gain early substance by eating the corners of the book where they have been dog eared by poorly trained readers. As they mature so do their appetites devouring whole pages, gluing pages together with their vile excreta, and flossing their teeth with the threads of spine stitching until whole folios fall lose from the bindings. 

The Destroyers are the truest banes of the book world. I can bear to describe them no longer. 

Having devastating but non lethal consequences we come to the species of Library cryptids so ubiquitous that they have long been discredited and put down to human error. This fierce creature has been known to all library peoples since before the days of the Library of Alexandria. The Monster of the Mis-shelving. Monster may be too sharp a word, they are not venial, like the the Library Leaking Pipe, or the Fearsome Spine breaker, they are simply lazy. Oh yes, it's easy to blame the pages and aides and I am sure mistakes are made, but truly even the most inept of student helpers is helped by this beast. The Monster of Mis-Shelving is a curious beast, it receives sustenance by licking jelly splodges, and cracker crumbs from oft read texts. You would think it would have a lot of energy since one of it's main forms of fodder is coffee stains, but alas it is assumed that the physiology of the Mis-shelver is not reactive to caffeine. It is a lazy beast, pursing by, witnesses have stated, a long sensitive probiscis sniffing for any mislaid food crumbs, climbing the ladder of the bookcases, it thumbs haphazardly thorough the collection, picking a book at random, eating and placing it back to the nearest open space at hand. 

As you might surmise their taste for spilled food leads them to spend most of their time in the picture books, where sticky handed little monkey fingered kids leave enough food detritus behind to make a cockroach fat. This is the reason that not a single library anywhere in the world has neatly organized alphabetical collection of picture books. 

This easily accessed buffet does not mean however they do not have an occasional bout of epicurean fondness for adult books, and can be found disorganizing books across the whole of the collection. Seemingly innocuous at first encounter, within the span of one semester, if unchecked, with decimate all order, making it entirely impossible for any patron to find the tome they desire. With this I tip my hat to the fearless squad of library aides, pages and helpers that fight the daily battle against their spread. 

This is of course merely a short collection of some of the more common Library Cryptids. It is important as Cryptobibliographists we continue to record our encounters with these creatures. Unlike Nessie and Bigfoot, a large enough compendium of sightings has yet to be assembled to cement the certain hood of the library cryptid in the public imagination. If there is no certainty we will not be able to secure the necessary funding for research, discovery and ensure archival conservation. That is why we need you, as library workers and patrons to add to this assemblage of information. May we move forward in our work to understand the world of chaos creating creatures one cryptid at a time. 








 



Tuesday, June 17, 2025

Quick entry about Sleep

 June 17, 2025

Oh sweet Jebus I got sleep last night! I mean like 8 whole hours. What a g.d. relief. I have absolutely no natural circadian rhythm, and my probably bi-polar mind does not tire in a way that precludes consciousness sometimes for months at a time. My body faints LOOOOONG before my brain. I am not saying I am having deep thoughts all the time, just that my brain is like a toddler on meth, a pinball, a Rube Goldberg perpetual motion machine. It just doesn't stop. I actually don't mind this, as I have not signed up for practicing the Zen art of No Mind. These times tend to be very fruitful, and luckily for me are not a dangerous mania, just very...mentally active. As great as these periods of creativity and mental capoeira are they do make it a struggle to sleep.  Which means I am sitting in a chair mentally bubbling away without the physical zing to get anything done. But today my friends I got sleep. This is the second thing I've written today. (the other was a diary entry which was boring as shit, which is why it's not in here.) So I am going to take advantage of a conscious body and go get some projects tackled. 

Monday, June 16, 2025

Oh the nerve of some people

 June 16, 2025

At 5:45 this morning I was sitting in the surgical waiting room as they prepped my mom for surgery on her facial nerves. 1 out of 5 stars, do not recommend. 

 She has a condition called Trigeminal neuralgia. Most people with a face don't know what this is. The trigeminal nerve, when it's not being a very very naughty nerve indeed, has the job of transmitting sensation like temperature and touch from the face to the brain but it also controls the  muscles used for chewing. Who knew right? The caress of a lovers hand against of your cheek, the satisfying crunch of a potato chip, the chew of a good steak, the summer wind as you ride with the car window open, the wide mouth laugh of joy what a lovely nerve to have. All is well and good until you replace the word "nerve" with "neuralgia". Well as awful as you imagine that sounds, here is how the pain is described by the Mayo Clinic: 

  • Episodes of intense shooting or jabbing pain that may feel like an electric shock.
  • Sudden episodes of pain or pain triggered by touching the face, chewing, speaking or brushing your teeth.
  • Episodes of pain lasting from a few seconds to several minutes.
  • Pain that occurs with facial spasms.
  • Episodes of pain lasting days, weeks, months or longer...
  • Episodes of pain that become more frequent and intense over time.
Another source, The Arizona Pain Specialists says:

     "Of all of the pain conditions that chronic pain patients experience,         there are arguably none worse than the pain of trigeminal neuralgia.     Often called the “suicide disease” because of the intense pain, higher     rates of suicidal ideation in patients with severe migraines, and links     to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and sleep disorders" 

This handy little condition is what my Mom has been dealing with for probably 7 years... I'm guessing here. It's been a long time. I have seen my mother, the most stoic German midwestern farm girl ever, start a sentence and crumple into a crying rag doll in a diner booth from the pain. My mother who walked home with a severely sprained ankle and didn't even cuss about it. Who broke her wrist out on the trail, refused an ambulance or a help walked back to her car alone and drove herself to the hospital. She had 3 pins and a plate put in. 

Diagnosis took a while, but then they medicated it, and she said it was "pretty well under control". Um hmm, see crying rag-doll incident.  Anyway forward in time and she developed some other issues, interactions or whatnot that interfered with the "relief" she was getting from the drugs.  This resulted, don't ask me how, but in her having to give herself these turkey baster sized syringes of medication into her stomach 2x a day. I swear you could set this old lady on fire and she'd ask for a sip of your water... if it wasn't any trouble.  She had put up with this nonsense for another year or so, but finally the "doctors" just had it and decided there might be something else that could be done.  Three months ago she went through a procedure called a Stereotactic Radiosurgery or the "Gamma knife". (Effective only on Gamma's but not Grampies?) in which they made a 3D printed mask of her face to hold her head perfectly still and then shot radiation into her face to try and kill parts of the nerve. It didn't work, but she can now function as her own nightlight.

Today, they knocked her out and performed a Percutaneous Rhizotomy. Which to me sounds to me the name of a side character in a humorous Victorian Era styled novel, maybe the latest by Lemony Snickett. For this surgery they stick a needle sized tube in her cheek  and leave an inflated surgical balloon behind to press against the nerve hopefully causing nerve damage that prevents it from firing unbearable shocks of pain to your brain. I'm pretty sure that fucking trigeminal nerve is going to do bad clown party tricks with that thing... She'll sneeze one day and out will come a tiny blue balloon poodle in a shower of snot and high voltage electrical agony. 

My mother is 87 years old. I think she stopped wrestling cougar and black bear sometime last month... she's tough but she's getting up there. Spending this morning in the hospital waiting for her to come out from the anesthesia was a difficult time. I was deeply worried. It's people like this that you never expect to have complications, you never expect them to have actual weakness so of course in my anxious mind that makes it entirely essential that I brace myself for the unbelievable. You never want to be shocked by these things.  I had a mini panic attack last night. Having learned to talk kids off the ledge proved very helpful in that moment and I only sat and wept with my heart racing for about a half hour before finally managing to calm down. Later despite dosing myself with TWO sleep gummy and only 4 hours of sleep the night before, I slept for a total of 48 minutes, at about 3:12 to 4 am. 

But Mom, how was she? Quiet, calm and ready "to get this show on the road". She of course, because she's not really a human, but a mythic Amazon, arose from her gurney and asked for a little cup of Sprite and can I put "my darn clothes on now please". "This is Silly!" She says as they make her take a wheelchair down to the car. Despite the fact that she had a migraine and was seeing double. Not to mention the that they intubated her for the surgery and she can't stop coughing. "Would you like a hard candy or a throat lozenge?" "No I'm fine." I took her home and she lay down in the recliner and played an hour of solitaire on her phone, with one eye closed like Ann Bonny the pirate, listened to a book on tape, and finished up a unit of Duolingo. And I took a very long nap on her behalf. 


Sunday, June 15, 2025

What's your sign

 June 15, 2025

In yesterday's entry I told you how I say to my kids "You can have any opinion you want but you have to back it up." I am ashamed to admit that I don't follow this great wisdom myself, well sometimes, but I do have great swaths of "belief" that do not rely on actual evidence of any kind. When others do this I consider it stupidity, but of course when I do it I am a great more charitable, although I probably ought not. So here is my area of great shining gold plated stupidity. Astrology. I can give you every single reason in the world using my keen analytic powers (?) to tell you why this is the dumbest shit in the world. I can also tell you, although I cringe just admitting it I believe in some forms of divination and ghosts. All of which is entire and complete bullshit. I know this. I know it as sure as I know that the Sun is a star burning 1 AU, that's astronomical unit btw, or about 8.6 light minutes from Earth. These are facts people and Astrology is not fact, astrology is crap.  

Despite the fact that it is crap, I absolutely cannot seem to help myself. I've often wondered why despite the cognitive dissonance I hold onto these beliefs. Despite the lack of any empirical evidence I hold these things as truths. I think why are you such an unbelievably ridiculous dumb-ass Christine, but after 50+ years I have come to the conclusion, and found the answer. It's because I want to. I want to believe that there is an order to the universe, and there is a collective unconscious as Jung believed that we can attempt to delve to find spiritual truths. I want to believe that when people die their energy carries on in some form. I want to believe these things. I guess life feels better to me in some way when it's ordered; I feels better to believe that we are not just animals bumping aimlessly around the universe for no purpose. So, entirely illogically I will cling to this stupidity with the same kind of ridiculousness that wealthy moms take all their food items out of perfectly serviceable boxes and put them into matching containers in their pantries. I like order, even if it is stupid. 

Saturday, June 14, 2025

6/14/25 Viva la revolution, kinda

 June 14th 2025.

Today was a day of revolt. Today was a day when the American people all across this great land stood up against tyranny! A day when the illegal detention of American citizens by a group of state sanctioned armed racist was given the stamp of disapproval, when Trump received the public black eye he has richly deserved, and the once divided American people stood in unity against their oppressor. Protesters lined the streets of every major city and hundreds of towns to say "NO MORE TYRANY". They marched in the streets, performed in the parks, stood against the police lines and said that they were not going to take Trump and his administrations' pissing on our Constitution. Today was that day!!!!

I took a nap. I slept through the revolution. 

 I know I had always been the hippie kid who handed out flowers, and talked about Love, and peace and Viva la revolution. Down with racism, oppression, unchecked capitalism and military build up.  Power to the People etc etc. But instead I cuddled my dog and went nigh nigh.

Why? I guess in the words of Jon Coffee/Steven King... "I'm tired boss." And not just didn't get enough sleep last night, although that is true. I am tired. I feel I have spent the majority of my life struggling to convince people to be decent to one another and I just don't have it in me anymore. The times I left gatherings in the red county I grew up near tears after having to defend myself and my crazy liberal idea that people should be allowed to exist in peace even if they are a different color or culture. The arguments I've made that people don't "turn gay" or "choose a lifestyle". Arguments that housing, and clean water, and food, and a voice are all human rights until my throat was sore. Trying to teach teens to think critically, and then allowing them to reach their own conclusions. "You are welcome to hold any opinion you wish, but you need to support your opinion with facts, and original rhetoric." Standing for hour in Armory Park, marching through downtown, taking the microphone to talk about how to Occupy Wall St. 

And    nothing     ever    changes. 

Nothing ever changes, except it does get worse. I expect to get up tomorrow to hear all sorts of news stories about the Protests as we progressive pat ourselves on the back till our trapezius muscles ache and the delight of how angry the little orange tyrant is. And then Monday it will back to the continual SNAFU of American government status quo. Poking the orangutan and his cadre of chimpanzees will just deploy more American citizens against other American citizens as our Democrat leaders sit on their hands. And that will either result in more of the same detention and oppression. Perhaps Israel (that we have foolishly backed since no one wants to be called an anti-semite) will finally piss off Iran enough to start Global Thermal Nuclear War, (not just a game for movies anymore kids!) Hard to say. But this, this is why I didn't go out and sweat and stand and scream at the park and down the sidewalks.  

nothing ever changes for the better. 


And so today I slept. 


Friday, June 13, 2025

June 13, 2025 - Thoughts on Generation Jones


Today is my sister's birthday. I would share her age with you, but I don't know what it is. In fact I often have to ask my l.p. (life partner) what MY age is. This is not a sign of senility, I actually celebrated being 30 for a year when I was only 29. LP says I'm 57, which would mean *takes off shoes to count* my sister is 61. Or maybe it's 62... I guess it doesn't matter except that this has been leading me to think about "Generation ____". 

 I am a Gen X'er. (Little did Douglas Coupland know what he would start with that book. Good book, but not his best imho.) It is easy to dismiss the categorization of people by age as a variety of pop psychology a thoughtless pigeonholing of complex humans into easily digestible categories. But I think it is more than this, I think it is a sociological study of sorts. I'm fairly sure that it is a study which is applicable to a majority of white Americans, far removed from immigration but of European descent and mostly of non-urban environments. Taking that as the "test group" you can see how they are played on by changes in their social environment.  A generation of people mostly raised by stay at home mothers will have a higher sense of self importance (boomers) and those generations raised by working parents ,X'ers, will need to learn a degree of self reliance that there predecessors did not.  So for me: I did drink out of the garden hose, I am liable to be a filter less arsehole, and I do have legendary resourcefulness. 

My sister is a "boomer" although now late model Boomers are referred to as Generation Joneses. I find the addition of this new definition, based on "keeping up with the Jones" very satisfying. A Gen Jones means basically many qualities of a boomer but a stupid amount of conspicuous consumption. But I think there is a good deal of truth to this. Joneses are a generation that was born in Boomer wealth, optimism and the American dream, but for Jones somewhere in the 60's and 70's everything changed. Mom Brady got a job outside of the home, Mike came out of the closet and ran off to San Francisco with their neighbor Steve, leaving her as a divorced single mother with 4 kids still under 18.  Alice moved out to pursue macrame art freelance photography and college classes. She decided Sam the butcher was too square left him to spend the rest of his life drunk at the VFW. To say that social upheaval was the center of a Joneses up bringing is quite apt. 

These kids were pushed out of their comfortable suburban berths with a key on fat orange yarn tied around their necks, and alone at home at 3:30 pm with the After School Special and a pitcher of Tang and ho ho's for company. Or if they were lucky enough to live in a neighborhood with other kids outside to play never ending games of "who's the best". Entirely unsupervised. Parents exhausted come home to take care of their children's physical needs, feed them, bathe etc. and as a family fall into a coma in front of the t.v. This is isn't the same as the level of attention or care they received earlier, and I think they missed it. And I think that in many ways parents tried to make up with physical things. Those physical things became a talisman of how much you were loved, a precious commodity. 

The collection of stuff by this generation and the valuing of conspicuous consumption by Jones Adults, in this context makes sense. Kids or any generation are avaricious, they want things, they collect things, they like things, and they are jealous of what things others have. And if those things are outward signals of how much you are valued and loved than it becomes clear how they got there;  I propose that the burning desire of Generation Jones to have the best shiny brightest and most things is just a continuation of this "who's the best" game. Legos replaced with mansions, Hot Wheels replaced with Escalades. 

Sometime soon I'll talk about why they became Karens....

Thursday, June 12, 2025

 June 12, 2025

Writing from a prompt from "645 Things to write about" by the San Francisco Writer's Grotto.


Prompt: "What can happen in a second"

It doesn’t seem like much, a single second, but it can be miraculous or catastrophic. In a single second a bomb can triggered or an newborn can voice it’s first cry. Both are momentous, but take only a single second. 


A second can be pregnant with potential that is missed. A finger pulls a trigger a candidate turns to say something. Oh the potentiality born in that moment!  a possibility begins to unfold, but in the next second the possibility is still-born. Still it is a second that grazes past the mind, but catches us again and again in its possibility. 


The chalk outline of my body in “le petit mort” as it lies upon the bed, a strange spark explodes inside my body. .And I know it at that very second, although no one will believe I felt it, and that second becomes a inevitable, unavoidable march to other seconds: a pink line, a panic, an explosion of pain, a scream for help. A second of consciousness that dovetails around the ketamine. Although minutes occur in that lapse. In my mind they are one second. 


Or in a second nothing can, subjectively, happen. Time can drift and drift, seconds to minutes, to hours to days, weeks, years…. All the seconds slip by like pennies collected in a glass jar, and seldom spent.

Writin' fool.

 July 21st Well in case anyone is actually reading my blog, I thought I would update you on my NaNoWriMo kinda project. I did not always mak...